


I Will Always Choose Myself

by spaghettideviant



Series: Vanished [3]
Category: Red Queen - Victoria Aveyard
Genre: Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Book 1: Red Queen, Book 2: Glass Sword, Book 3: King's Cage, Book 4: War Storm, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 03:22:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15087902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaghettideviant/pseuds/spaghettideviant
Summary: After living in the woods for six months, Mare and Maven know almost everything about each other.Post War Storm, Alternate Ending.





	I Will Always Choose Myself

**Author's Note:**

> hi i posted this a week ago but immediately took it down  
> here's an alternate title:  
> when u send a risky text and r waitin for bae to respond
> 
> yeah idk how i feel about it but i wrote it so whatever  
> sorry if ya ship marecal because this is ALL MAREVEN HAHAHA
> 
> POV Maven

The smell of burnt potatoes overwhelms my senses as I jam a piece of the charred vegetable into my mouth. I crunch on it, absentmindedly staring out at the small waterfall before me. I lean against a tree, my legs sprawled out across the grass next to a crackling fire, covered by a makeshift grill. A small metal contraption resting above the flames, covered in leftover vegetables.

That's really all we have to eat here. Vegetables. Truthfully, they are the only things we know how to grow. We're always careful to keep at least one of each so we can continue to grow them once we relocate.

Our current abode rests within a lush forest, a small cove hidden from the rest of the world but us. A small house made from sticks and mud and leaves rests a few feet to my left, filled with handmade blankets and pillows. After raider attacks, we do our best to take supplies from them, and if we don't wear their clothes ourselves, we'll reuse them somehow. Usually, Mare makes them into blankets for us.

I watch her now, bathing in the waterfall.

The sun is setting, and the water flows around her, framing her silhouette in the fading rays of light.  _ She's beautiful as always _ , I think, picking up another potato and crunching on it. It's hard not to retch at the taste of the burnt things.  _ If only we knew how to make salt. _

I turn back to the papers in my lap, not really sure what the point of me writing the next letter is. Mare is the one who communes with Davidson, and I'm still not sure why she wants me to do it.

_ You know why, _ my mother crones in my brain. I raise a hand to my temple, massaging away a slight headache. At this point, after all the months we’ve spent together, I’m sure that this is the one thing Mare doesn’t know about me. Even after all this time, I still hear my mother’s voice.

Mare thinks I have changed. I have, but not in the way she thinks.

_ She’s still with me. _

It’s painful to think about, and I tap the short pencil against the paper to ignore my mother as she continues to nag in a place where only I can hear her.

Before we came here, Mare’s last letter to Premier Davidson asked him to show the letters to my brother. As I started this fire and layed out the vegetables to cook them, Mare asked me to write to him. Not to Davidson, but to  _ Cal. _ I don’t know why she won’t do it instead. Cal loves her, not me. He would listen to what she has to say. But, since it’s me, he’d trace the letter to us here in the Lakelands to kill me, or give away our location to Iris.

My headache grows at the thought of my wife.

_ I hate her, and I hate having to write this. _

A splash startles me, and I look up as the fire in front of me sizzles, smoke rising after the sudden contact of water. Mare puts her hands on her hips, staring at me, and I make sure to look at her slowly before asking why she put the fire out.

My eyes trace her legs, her hips, her torso, her breasts, her hair, her face.

She smiles at me, not bothering to hide her nudity or flush at the weight of my gaze. She’s used to it by now. I pick up another potato, raising it to my lips as she turns, starting back towards the waterfall. She flicks her soaking hair over one shoulder. My eyes follow her as she strides, arms and hips swinging to some melody in her head. 

I chew the bland food quickly, standing and setting the papers on the ground by my feet.

My shirt comes first, exposing my bare chest to the cool night air. I run a hand through my hair as I unlace my boots. When I stand upright again, I notice she’s disappeared into the water. I smirk to myself as I unbuckle my belt, discarding it completely. By the time I match her nude form, my headache has completely faded.

I step through the water carefully. I know we’re safe here, but after Iris, I am undoubtedly afraid of any sort of water. Luckily, this water only comes up to my shins, and I have something waiting for me in the waterfall.

Finally, she emerges, smiling brightly and waving for me to join her. The water is cold over my face. We stand there for a moment, watching each other before she closes the distance between us, running her hands over my arms.

My eyes fall to the brand on her chest, and I falter.

I love this women with  _ almost _ every ounce of my being, and I have no idea why I would do something like that to her.

Mare is right, I  _ have _ changed. I must have changed more than I thought I did, because I cannot fathom ever doing anything to hurt her. Not now. Not like this.

Even now as we both stand, holding each other softly, I can’t imagine ever becoming the monster I used to be.

She notices my unease, and moves her hair to hide it. “Stop,” She whispers, moving her hand to my neck, pulling me towards her and placing a quick kiss on my lips. “Stop.”

I don’t know how she can tell whenever I feel guilty. But, I guess she has always been able to see through me.

Wishing I knew what she was thinking, I wrap my arms around her, pulling her closer and kissing her deeply. My mind races as I pick her up, as she wraps her legs around my hips. I have to keep reminding myself that I love her to shake away the memories of causing her pain. 

Her lips find my neck, and I sigh, wishing that  _ all  _ of me loved her.

Wishing that there wasn’t a small part of me that only loved myself.

Wishing that I would give  _ all  _ of me to her, the way she continues to give all of her to me.

She gave up  _ everything _ for me. She left her family, her home, her friends.  _ Cal. _ She left everything behind for me. For  _ this. _ She kisses my mouth again, and I force myself to kiss her back. The water frightens me, partly because I don’t know how to swim, but mostly because I know what I would do if Iris found us living in her lands.

I hate admitting it, but it’s the only thing I think of as Mare breathes heavily against me.

_ I would leave her behind. _

Mare chose me, but, if the time comes, I know that I will always choose myself.

  
  
  
  
  
  


My eyelids flutter open, blinking a little in the dark of night. I take a few seconds to come to my senses, realizing where I am. I enjoy little moments like this. I cannot dream, but somehow I still think that soon I will wake from this wonderful trance and find myself in a room full of Silent Stone.

In these moments, when I wake before Mare does, I can remind myself that this is all  _ real _ . 

I look down at her, her hair tousled and her face buried into my chest. She snores soundly, and my heart aches.  _ She’s so warm. She’s real. _ I repeat, over and over again in my head.  _ She’s real. This is real. This isn’t a dream. _

She really chose me.

The thought makes me sad.

Rubbing her shoulder gently, I wake her, smiling as she groans something about sleeping in today. Finally, she looks up at me, pushing herself forward to reach my face and kiss my lips softly. “Hi,” She murmurs, smiling sleepily against my lips.

I kiss her again in response, sighing deeply. “I don’t want to move.”

Mare laughs, the sound melodic and heart-warming. “Neither do I. I vote we just sleep today. Forget training, let’s just cuddle.”

“Sounds good to me.” I wrap my arms around her as she moves to lay on top of me, rubbing my feet with her own and running her fingers through my hair. “I thought you were tired.”

“I am,” She smiles again, closing her eyes as she moves down a little, pressing her lips to my collarbone. “You’re so weird, Maven.”

My hands trail along the lightning scars down her neck, making her shiver. “What makes you say that?”

Mare doesn’t answer, and I suddenly feel aware of the small bruises covering my neck. I laugh a little, opening my mouth to whisper something else, but a twig snaps outside of our mud made house.

She sits upright, nodding at me, and we both shift, moving the massive pile of blankets off of us and rolling to opposite sides of the small space. I guess that’s what woke me, because as I gather my things, the cool air making my naked self shiver, I realize that it’s still night.

We dress as silently as possible, making almost no noise. I lace my boots with one hand as I reach for the thin strips of metal shoved underneath my jacket. Carefully, I focus my rage, a technique Mare taught me through our extensive training. My hands heat with my anger, and I place one piece of metal against my wrist before melting it to form a ring around my skin. I do the same with the other, tying my mask at the back of my neck to hide my face as I wait for the metal to cool.

Sliding my jacket over my arms, I flick the hood up, covering every part of my features except for my eyes. I slide knives into my boots, my sleeves, anywhere to keep them ready for a fight. I wait silently, listening for another noise outside before testing the metal bands, scraping my wrists together to create a small spark.

These serve as a replacement for the flame-maker bracelets. Something simple to make a spark if I find myself in a battle when Mare isn’t around.

She found the metal for them. 

As I found out from living in the woods with her for almost six months, she’s very crafty.

I turn to face her as she pulls her own mask up, struggling to tie her hair back before pulling the hood over it. She nods at me, twitching her fingers for a quick second, asking me to scout.

Another good thing that we taught ourselves: communicating without words. Simple gestures and symbols mean specific things. Very useful in an ambush like this one. 

Quickly and quietly, I emerge from the small hut, staying crouched and looking out at the waterfall. My heart surges for a moment, remembering last night.  _ I guess that was only a few hours ago, _ I think, finally standing upright and stepping my foot slowly, toe to heel. A sound meaning it’s all clear. 

Mare takes a few steps towards me, not getting too close, a small knife glinting in her hand. If these are raiders again, the glow from her lightning will draw too much attention to us. Something whirs, and I blink as I see the arrow fly past Mare’s head. They must be in the trees. We think the same thing, signing the same symbols.  _ Mark 7. _

She darts for the small lake, the knife flashing with the rippling water. I head for the woods, clanking my wrists and using the spark to burst a small flame. I let it grow brighter as I run, hoping the light from the fire will make most of them target me. As outlined in Mark 7,  Mare will fry the rest in the lake, luring them in and electrifying them.

We’ve played through this scenario several times in training.

As expected, five raiders follow me on foot.

I turn, hitting the first with the brunt of my flame. He screams, his body igniting as he falls to the ground. The others step over his wriggling body, and I flick my arms out, allowing the knives to find my hands. I don’t have time for another spark, and I throw the knives in turn, lodging one in the chest of a masked attacker, the other in the eye of his friend.

_ Three down, two to go, _ I tell myself, hooking a left and turning in the forest, weaving through the trees as I gather another spark from the metal at my wrists. I stop abruptly, turning to see the remaining two raiders stumble, wondering what I’m doing. They scramble for their weapons, but I’m already kneeling, sending streams of flame through the grass towards their feet.

They ignite, comically running into each other. The sound of my heart pounding in my ears drowns out their wails, and I turn, sprinting back towards the lake. Screams ring out through the woods, accompanied by a familiar purple glow. I slow as I reach the waterfall again, watching as Mare spews bolts of lightning into the water, electrifying seven people.

She breathes heavily as I approach her, and we stand silent for a moment, watching the bodies twitch in the lake. I look to Mare, who stares at the white and purple sparks dancing over her fingertips. “There could be more,” She whispers, not looking up at me.

I nod. “We can handle them.” She doesn’t respond, turning towards the woods. I place a hand on her shoulder, stopping her before she runs again. “Hey,” She spins, glaring up at me finally. “I love you.”

Mare blinks, then nods, shaking herself out of my grasp and running into the brush. I stand for a moment, looking back to the water. I count the seconds as they pass, not getting to ten before the sound of Mare’s footsteps grow closer. 

At nine seconds, she wraps her arms around my torso, hugging me from behind. “I love you, too.” 

Then, she’s gone again, and I sigh, running over the rest of the Mark as I follow her through the woods, searching for other raiders.


End file.
